Of '09

Whew, its been forever since I've written one of these. I love writing, it is the only time when I feel completely able to express myself and I can do so unapologetically. For starters let me just get this off my chest, 2009 has been one of the worst years of my life. Not that nothing good happened, but the cons definitely outweighed the pros.

Both of my dads parents passed away this year,before this I have never lost anyone close to me. I didn't really expect for the loss of my grandparents to effect me a lot, but it did, probably in more ways than I know. My best friend Sarah left me to go to college in Nebraska, the nerve of her going off and learning about Jesus... (that was sarcasm my friends). It's been kinda hard not having her around, not being able to just hang out with her and do absolutely nothing.

This year has also been one of the hardest in a spiritual sense. There have been countless struggles that seem to constantly bombard me, as soon as I get control of one another comes right at me. Trying to deal with a lot of different issues has really affected my prayer life and how I view God. God has been so quiet this year, this has resulted in added frustration and anger. I would have thought that a year full of struggles and hard times I would be feeling God's comfort, love and direction, this has not been the case. Things seemed to be looking up when I decided to attend RIT for international studies, an area that I thought I was very passionate about. It felt so good to get some direction and have a purpose. Unfortunately this was not God's plan for my life. After just one quarter I knew this wasn't for me, I hated it. If it wasn't for my major I would have loved it. Being involved on campus and seeing my friends constantly was great, I finally felt like I was a part of something. But hating my major and the $25,000 in loans is not the best way to feel like I belong somewhere. Now I have been really trying not to focus on the lack of guidance and direction in my life. I have no job and no idea what God has planned for my life.

I am aware that God is trying to strengthen me and mold me, and I hope I am up to the challenge.

Not everything about this year has been bad, and I have no regrets. It's just a very frightening time, a time where I need to put my complete in God, so much easier said than done...

Now for the positive. I am a small group leader!!!!! I simply adore me group and co-leader. I could not have asked for a better group of people. I believe that God had me attend RIT for a quarter just so I could get a chance to be a part of Diversity small group.

Another positive, my boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now! He's is a wonderful man and I am very blessed that God has allowed us to be together. He's always there to calm me down and give me perspective when I go to him with my problems. He provides me with much needed balance in my life. I am a huge worrier and Harry never seems to worry about anything. Harry, if you're reading this, you'll never know how much you mean to me.

Getting my thoughts down in typed or printed words is like a salve for my soul. Peace always accompanies writing.

Well folks, that about sums it up. Thanks for tuning in and until next time I remain simply myself.

As promised

Humphrey was a easy going butterfly. He minded his own business, but that isn't to say that he was unfriendly. One day he decided to fly to the neighboring clump of daffodils to check on his friend Jocasta the bumble bee. Upon arrival at Jocasta's door he was ushered in for some nectar tea and pleasant conversation. They talked for a long time about everything and nothing. After Jocasta poured Humphrey his fourth cup of tea she shared some startling information. Her neighbor Lilith the June bug was attacked by an unknown creature, it had tried to suffocate her! Witness accounts said that it had flown on shimmery wings and it was completely covered in eyes. After it had descended on poor Lilith it had fallen to the ground defeated and nothing had been able to rouse it. His interest piqued, Humphrey asked the whereabouts of this frightening beast. Having ascertained its location Humphrey arrived at the scene of the previous days horrible occurrence. Humphrey, being of logical mind, deduced at once that this was no living being. It lay flat on the ground covered with translucent bumps. Having no idea as to the true identity of this strange object Humphrey decided to call upon the knowledge of Nathaniel raven. Nathaniel Raven had a sharp mind and an even sharper beak that may prove useful in this quandary. When Nathaniel arrived he immediately began his examination of the object. At first he kept his distance but curiosity compelled him to inch closer and closer until he was standing on it. The bumps held his weight, but not stiffly, his feet were cushioned above the ground. Nathaniel gave a little hop and the bumps redistributed his weight, "its almost like being help up by air" said Nathaniel. trying to discover what the bumps were made of Nathaniel decided to tap it with his beak. The second the tip of Nathaniel's beak touched the bump air burst out of it with a loud "pop" and Nathaniel flew back in shock. Having no injuries Nathaniel flew back to try it again. The same reaction occurred, the bump exploded and a loud popping noise rang in their ears.

Yvette was playing in the park by her house with her new toy pony. She was startled from her playing by a series of strange popping noises . She went to the clump of bushes where the sound was emerging from and saw, to her utter astonishment and delight, a raven stabbing at a plastic thing on the ground and a butterfly flying around in excitement. Yvette thought to herself "stupid animals, haven;t they ever seen bubble wrap?"

"My life sucks more than yours" and other fun social games

Have you ever been hanging out with people or trying to talk to someone that always tries to outdo you on the "suck-o-meter"? Than you have been part of a lovely game that I like to call "My life sucks more than yours", MLSMTY for short. Confused? here is an example:
Person 1- It's getting late, I should go home and go to bed. I have to work tomorrow from 9-4.
Person 2- Oh yeah? well I have to work form 8-5 tomorrow. So I have to get up earlier than you. Therefore my life sucks more than yours.
(this is not an actual conversation that I have had, just to let you know.)

Granted, I have been known to play this game as well, and I apologize.. This has got me wondering, is this an American thing? Do we as Americans, who are normally workaholics, desire to trump people by having the least amount of free time? Are we just looking for a dose of pity? I wish to understand.

Sometimes when you are genuinely trying to tell people how you have been you might bring up something bad that has recently happened to you or something that has got you frustrated people might play mlsmty. It seems like the more crappy things you have going on in your life the more validation you have.

Maybe if we all banded together to rid the world of MLSMTY our lives would seem much happier. If we spent as much time focusing on the positive side of our lives as the negative our lives would feel less sucky.
I am not saying that you can never talk about the bad things in our lives, just that if someone is talking about a sucky occurrence sit back and listen instead of trying to come up with your own sucky occurence. This way its more like a conversation and less like a battle of suck.

Oh no! this turned out a lot more ranty than I had intended. I swear my next post will be about butterflies and bubblewrap...or not...

My brain: For Dummies

Many of you probably know that I enjoy using analogies. Some of which don't always make sense to some of you but that's just how things work in my brain.

My brain is like a dryer. Things just kinda tumble round and round unless I physically unload it. I can't try taking things out before they are "dry" this just does not work. Because than all I end up with is unfinished thoughts and ideas. I can't speak my mind until they have tumbled around enough for me to truly understand how I am feeling and why I am feeling/thinking that way. I also shouldn't allow things to stay in my brain too long either, they might catch fire or waste time and energy. That was a free look into the mind of Courtney. The next excursion may be slightly more expensive, maybe a penny for my thoughts...

I love making lists, that is one way I get things out of my head. I love being able to see the things I have to do and having them on paper allows me to prioritize them better. If I don't list the things I have to do I just constantly worry about having to remember them all and they seem to multiply in my head. Yay lists!

My sister is leaving in less than a week! On my birthday she and my dad will drive to yellow stone where Steph is going to be working for the summer, some birthday gift right? I will miss you Stephy!!!

My boyfriend will also be leaving for the summer to go back home for Co-op. I was looking forward to spending the summer with him, although he would still be working even if he was up here he would not have to be thinking about school. It would have been nice to spend time together without him having to think about homework, projects or anything school related. I am really glad that he will enjoy what he is doing, I would rather have him like his work someplace else than to be here and be unsatisfied. I think him going away will be a good way for us to strengthen our relationship, God knows what he is doing.

A lot of my friends will be leaving soon, Nick, Michelle, Rachel and my best friend Sarah!!!! All of these people going away makes me want to leave as well. I really would love to get away and experience a sense of independence away from the people I know. Which kinda sucks since this summer I will really have to tighten my budget, so I can't go on too many trips. I will be going to RIT in the fall for international studies so I know that I will get my chance to leave and travel. I guess I just have always hated feeling like the one left behind. Don't get me wrong I love Rochester, I really do, but I won't be satisfied if I never get to see the world, especially Egypt.

My intention is not for this to come across as me being discontent, jealous or unable to enjoy my time in rochester with everyone gone. I am excited for everyone who gets to experience a new change of sceneray and meet new people! I am contect with staying in Rochester for the summer, I have to get in as much time with the people who are leaving as possible!

Wow, this was only going to be a paragraph about my weird brain and how it operates, lol.

Must...keep.....eyes...open....little...while...longer...

I am sitting in my living room, doing absolutely nothing because i feel tired. There is no reason I should feel tired because I have done nothing all day except chill. I should be doing something productive but I am not. That is all.

Mental ramblings provided by Red Bull

Today in sunday school we read proverbs 15. Verse 13 talks about having a merry heart and Jason gestured in my direction. I guess I am known for being optimistic and cheerful all the time. It was mentioned that having a merry heart and being cheerful is a conscience decision. I wonder if people just think that being happy all the time is in my nature, which is slightly true but it takes effort. I don't think people realize that. I choose to focus on the positive, I choose to not let the down side of things get it my way and I choose to not let negative circumstances effect me. The truth of the matter is being optimistic can sometimes feel like a chore. I get tired of being happy all the time. I wish that I could just focus on the negative sometimes so I could be angry at something at some point, curse my logical merriment... Let me assure you that I can still feel the emotions that coincide with negative things, and I would like to someday be able to just tell someone off or yell at people who make me angry. I know while you are reading this you're probably thinking "that's not Courtney" or "Courtney would never do that" which is true to a certain extent, sometimes I am too nice.

I am glad I can get this off my chest because I was thinking about this since 2 AM and I haven't been able to get it out of my head, especially since that verse fit so well to what I was feeling.

I am a sinner just like everyone else, I am not perfect. I think about the same things, I want to act on my emotions, I want to flip off mean customers, I laugh at nasty jokes, I want to ignore God and I am constantly selfish. Having a merry heart doesn't make me a better person, but it does give me a better outlook on life. So thank you God that I have been given the ability to choose happiness, even though it can feel like a burden, you know best! You died even though I am ungrateful for the gifts you have given me, or when I am jealous of everyone else gifts. But I think its cool to be undeserving of your gifts, because than I know it has nothing to do with me.

Sorry, this is a rambling post, just getting things out of my head.

Doris Dunn 1925-2009

These past two days have been so long it feels like two weeks. Right now I am just so tired and worn down. I have been so busy I haven't really had a chance just to sit down and be still and now that I am all of the emotions I have pushed away are back at the surface. My Grandma passed away yesterday, it was pretty sudden. I mean she has been declining physically for the past two years but it seemed like things were kinda leveling off. I went with Harry sunday to visit her in the hospital and she was doing alright, and then all of a sudden on tuesday night the doctors discovered a perforation in her abdomen. My brother woke me at 6:30 AM to tell me that mom and dad were at the hospital and they were probably going to call us soon to join them there. I knew that this was serious. Me and Stpehanie rode together and when we got there my mom greeted us and told us what was oging to happen. I won't tell you the details becuase I honestly don't want to remember that part right now, but the part that I want to remember is when mom told us that grandma accepted christ that morning. I have never simultaneously cried for grief and joy before but at that moment I did. I am just too tired to finish writing about yesterday so goodnight I guess.

Whatever it Takes

I was kinda freaking out a little last night, and here is why. It all started when I was at connect and I heard a song that Pastor and Mrs. Hannah sang. I don't remember the exact words of the song but I do remember a verse that talked about taking the dearest things from me so that I can be closer to you lord. That really touched me, and it wasn't just the Hannah's song, seeing them at the hospital and reading Nay's update shows the trust they have in God.

After hard thinking about the true meaning of trusting in God I prayed that God would do whatever it takes to make me close to him. After praying that thought I kinda forgot about all of this, and went on my merry way, but lately I have been reminded that this is what I need. I keep reading in the bible about people suffering, going through trials, not hearing from God, and having everything taken from them. I was reading Job last night, keeping Harry company while he was working on his computer, never for a minute did Job doubt God's love or perfect plan. I haven't been through anything nearly as horrible as Job and yet I have accused God of not loving me, forgetting about me and never being there for me, all of which are lies. It promises that God will never leave me or forsake me.

Steph had her bollywood party last week and we watched a movie called Straight from the Heart, you must be asking what this has to do with the rest of my blog, lol. In the movie the two main guys are talking in a church, here is what they say-
Guy 1- In my opinion God is everywhere, in fact God is between us right now
Guy 2- God is not between us, he is within us.
Guy 1- If he is within us, why does he hurt us?
Guy 2- Because we think of him when in pain and forget him when we are happy. He gives us sorrow so that we learn to love, and if we love selflessly it takes us closer to him.

Life lessons from bollywood movies, who would have thought?

Back to why I was freaking out, I finally put all of this together last night and decided that God must be trying to teach me something. Then I thought, if God is teaching me all this he must be planning to turn my life into a vast pit of sorrow and anguish. I started thinking it was stupid to pray for God to draw me closer to him through any means necessary, I like my comfortable life just the way it is, boring but free from any bumps. After calming myself down I realized, I don't want to live my life the way I always have, I'm tired of being comfortable and having everything come easy. I want to trust God because I sincerely know that he knows whats best for me. even though its scary to put my quality of life in God's hands I know its better there than having myself hold on to it.

I dedicate this to Nay and the whole Hannah family, you are an example to us all. Nay, I keep praying for you and your family. I know its hard but if you only knew how many people have accepted Christ or have grown closer to him I know it would make you happy.

Sorry this is such a long post, thinking all these thoughts take only seconds, but takes about half an hour to put down in words. I hope I am ready for God to use me and to mold and shape, I want to be the best christian I can be. I think I am ready to graduate from christian preschool.

Welcome to the Future

I was at Leaf and Bean today, bought myself an iced coffee and muffin, cause I was hungry. Sat down, but not in my usual spot because is was taken. Jen came through the doors a few moments later and then we both got comfortable for our weekly talk. Lots of topics were discussed, I don't remember most of them but I do remember when we talked about making choices. After large group this past friday a lot of people have been talking about taking action instead of just sitting waiting for everything to be perfect for God's plan, because that will never happen. There is no perfect plan, of course I believe that God has a plan for us but I think that we too often are waiting for everything to be spelled out for us. God doesn't always work that way, I would even be willing to say that God rarely works that way. Maybe God doesn't make everything clear so that we can practice having faith and trusting in him.

For most of my life I have refrained from doing anything until God has specifically told me to do it. Sometimes God tells me "Yes" or "No" but most of the time I just don't get an answer, which I used to just dismiss as a "no" from God. I have been afraid to make decisions for fear that I might miss out on God's plan for my life, but I think that as long as I stick to God's word and make smart decisions I can't go wrong. Of course writing all this down is a lot easier than living it.

Well lets just say I have been slightly more active in making decisions and taking actions for my future. Although I haven't received a clear answer from God regarding where to go to school or which career path I should be working towards I am a lot less afraid to at least do something so God can work through my actions.

I know that God has given me a love of cultures, a passion for the Arabic language and a desire to help people for a reason. I just don't know how God is going to put all of these puzzle pieces together to build the picture of my future.

Create, the myth.

Lately I have been thinking about the word "Create" which means to cause to exist or bring into being. Now I believe that most people use this term in the wrong way, I mean really, who can create anything? Hopefully this does not confuse you. If we look at the true definition of "Create" you will see that you have to take something from nothing, bring into being. We as humans have to have something to make something. There are many gifted inventors, scientist, and great thinkers but none of those can truly create anything. We are nothing more than assemblers of the items and materials that God has given us. God is the only thing that can take something from nothing, he is the only creator.

In God We Trust

God has been teaching me so much these past few weeks. first off, I need to trust him. Not just for the big decisions like Egypt but for the little things as well, such as working out my work schedule.
Egypt has been my biggest source of worry. I have NEVER had a problem with my finances until this past year, which coincided with my deciding to go to Egypt. I can only deduce from these events that God really wants me to trust him and for once not to rely on myself or my money. Work has me frustrated as well. I love when I serve, and I thought that by now I would be only serving and getting more hours. God has seen fit to keep me on hospo and to cut my hours, which goes back to relying on God for my money. Funny how it all ties in...