Today in sunday school we read proverbs 15. Verse 13 talks about having a merry heart and Jason gestured in my direction. I guess I am known for being optimistic and cheerful all the time. It was mentioned that having a merry heart and being cheerful is a conscience decision. I wonder if people just think that being happy all the time is in my nature, which is slightly true but it takes effort. I don't think people realize that. I choose to focus on the positive, I choose to not let the down side of things get it my way and I choose to not let negative circumstances effect me. The truth of the matter is being optimistic can sometimes feel like a chore. I get tired of being happy all the time. I wish that I could just focus on the negative sometimes so I could be angry at something at some point, curse my logical merriment... Let me assure you that I can still feel the emotions that coincide with negative things, and I would like to someday be able to just tell someone off or yell at people who make me angry. I know while you are reading this you're probably thinking "that's not Courtney" or "Courtney would never do that" which is true to a certain extent, sometimes I am too nice.
I am glad I can get this off my chest because I was thinking about this since 2 AM and I haven't been able to get it out of my head, especially since that verse fit so well to what I was feeling.
I am a sinner just like everyone else, I am not perfect. I think about the same things, I want to act on my emotions, I want to flip off mean customers, I laugh at nasty jokes, I want to ignore God and I am constantly selfish. Having a merry heart doesn't make me a better person, but it does give me a better outlook on life. So thank you God that I have been given the ability to choose happiness, even though it can feel like a burden, you know best! You died even though I am ungrateful for the gifts you have given me, or when I am jealous of everyone else gifts. But I think its cool to be undeserving of your gifts, because than I know it has nothing to do with me.
Sorry, this is a rambling post, just getting things out of my head.
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