My brain: For Dummies

Many of you probably know that I enjoy using analogies. Some of which don't always make sense to some of you but that's just how things work in my brain.

My brain is like a dryer. Things just kinda tumble round and round unless I physically unload it. I can't try taking things out before they are "dry" this just does not work. Because than all I end up with is unfinished thoughts and ideas. I can't speak my mind until they have tumbled around enough for me to truly understand how I am feeling and why I am feeling/thinking that way. I also shouldn't allow things to stay in my brain too long either, they might catch fire or waste time and energy. That was a free look into the mind of Courtney. The next excursion may be slightly more expensive, maybe a penny for my thoughts...

I love making lists, that is one way I get things out of my head. I love being able to see the things I have to do and having them on paper allows me to prioritize them better. If I don't list the things I have to do I just constantly worry about having to remember them all and they seem to multiply in my head. Yay lists!

My sister is leaving in less than a week! On my birthday she and my dad will drive to yellow stone where Steph is going to be working for the summer, some birthday gift right? I will miss you Stephy!!!

My boyfriend will also be leaving for the summer to go back home for Co-op. I was looking forward to spending the summer with him, although he would still be working even if he was up here he would not have to be thinking about school. It would have been nice to spend time together without him having to think about homework, projects or anything school related. I am really glad that he will enjoy what he is doing, I would rather have him like his work someplace else than to be here and be unsatisfied. I think him going away will be a good way for us to strengthen our relationship, God knows what he is doing.

A lot of my friends will be leaving soon, Nick, Michelle, Rachel and my best friend Sarah!!!! All of these people going away makes me want to leave as well. I really would love to get away and experience a sense of independence away from the people I know. Which kinda sucks since this summer I will really have to tighten my budget, so I can't go on too many trips. I will be going to RIT in the fall for international studies so I know that I will get my chance to leave and travel. I guess I just have always hated feeling like the one left behind. Don't get me wrong I love Rochester, I really do, but I won't be satisfied if I never get to see the world, especially Egypt.

My intention is not for this to come across as me being discontent, jealous or unable to enjoy my time in rochester with everyone gone. I am excited for everyone who gets to experience a new change of sceneray and meet new people! I am contect with staying in Rochester for the summer, I have to get in as much time with the people who are leaving as possible!

Wow, this was only going to be a paragraph about my weird brain and how it operates, lol.

Must...keep.....eyes...open....little...while...longer...

I am sitting in my living room, doing absolutely nothing because i feel tired. There is no reason I should feel tired because I have done nothing all day except chill. I should be doing something productive but I am not. That is all.

Mental ramblings provided by Red Bull

Today in sunday school we read proverbs 15. Verse 13 talks about having a merry heart and Jason gestured in my direction. I guess I am known for being optimistic and cheerful all the time. It was mentioned that having a merry heart and being cheerful is a conscience decision. I wonder if people just think that being happy all the time is in my nature, which is slightly true but it takes effort. I don't think people realize that. I choose to focus on the positive, I choose to not let the down side of things get it my way and I choose to not let negative circumstances effect me. The truth of the matter is being optimistic can sometimes feel like a chore. I get tired of being happy all the time. I wish that I could just focus on the negative sometimes so I could be angry at something at some point, curse my logical merriment... Let me assure you that I can still feel the emotions that coincide with negative things, and I would like to someday be able to just tell someone off or yell at people who make me angry. I know while you are reading this you're probably thinking "that's not Courtney" or "Courtney would never do that" which is true to a certain extent, sometimes I am too nice.

I am glad I can get this off my chest because I was thinking about this since 2 AM and I haven't been able to get it out of my head, especially since that verse fit so well to what I was feeling.

I am a sinner just like everyone else, I am not perfect. I think about the same things, I want to act on my emotions, I want to flip off mean customers, I laugh at nasty jokes, I want to ignore God and I am constantly selfish. Having a merry heart doesn't make me a better person, but it does give me a better outlook on life. So thank you God that I have been given the ability to choose happiness, even though it can feel like a burden, you know best! You died even though I am ungrateful for the gifts you have given me, or when I am jealous of everyone else gifts. But I think its cool to be undeserving of your gifts, because than I know it has nothing to do with me.

Sorry, this is a rambling post, just getting things out of my head.

Doris Dunn 1925-2009

These past two days have been so long it feels like two weeks. Right now I am just so tired and worn down. I have been so busy I haven't really had a chance just to sit down and be still and now that I am all of the emotions I have pushed away are back at the surface. My Grandma passed away yesterday, it was pretty sudden. I mean she has been declining physically for the past two years but it seemed like things were kinda leveling off. I went with Harry sunday to visit her in the hospital and she was doing alright, and then all of a sudden on tuesday night the doctors discovered a perforation in her abdomen. My brother woke me at 6:30 AM to tell me that mom and dad were at the hospital and they were probably going to call us soon to join them there. I knew that this was serious. Me and Stpehanie rode together and when we got there my mom greeted us and told us what was oging to happen. I won't tell you the details becuase I honestly don't want to remember that part right now, but the part that I want to remember is when mom told us that grandma accepted christ that morning. I have never simultaneously cried for grief and joy before but at that moment I did. I am just too tired to finish writing about yesterday so goodnight I guess.